Asking new questions

"This is a time for straying, for losing one's way, for asking new questions. 

A sacred activism. A slowing down that knows enchantment is not in short supply."

 (LOST)

Lets just title this for what it is - I am a Goddess.

I am allowed to not be perfect

I am allowed to feel some things and say some things and do some things

That I am not too happy with

That I am not too proud of

Are those I seek assistance from imperfect too? 

Is Kuan Yin, Durga, Kali...are they without imperfections?

I'm in the midst of falling prey to them once again

perhaps the answer is to fall pray?

The problem is I have these memories

And I keep coming back to them

Whether they were 35 years ago

or 5 minutes ago

I remember, analyze, doubt, criticize. I would make a great judge.

But what if I don't want to be a great judge.

What if I want to just melt into the earth and let my roots hug those of the trees?

What if I want to be the lotus reaching for the sun?

Can I merely exist in that radiance?

Can I remember instead my sovereignty in each moment and exist in that?

Can I shine that radiance like a lamp around an infinite circumference?

4 of 7 days this week I felt like I was trying to fit all of this feeling into a nicely packaged box.

Into sentences that made sense when I said them

Grammar, succinct, inspiring 

translating my soul ink on to papers

But none of this fits into sentences

None of this can be summed up nicely

Because it is not these separate little parts

But together they make a whole

The whole of me

Goddess

Love

Sum

.

.

I love me some melancholy!

If that were in style, I would be rich.

I am even trying to make this Goddess work perfect

Not make a mess

I spilled some water today when I felt another's microgestures 

in response to my cheeky response 

I left it on the floor

I let my door creak

Maybe it wants to express itself too?

Laugh - it was trying to be a joke!

Oh the hard edged nuances of language. 

No more planning

It's the full moon

Let me open and howl

Let me flow free

a-mid-st night

Let me see the beauty that is all around me, rest

instead of chase it around every corner, unattainable

Just as the dirt path unfolds for me

Each stone, each root took it's own path to get to the place where it rests, now

I see that it is perfect, flower

bud opens, enjoys and is enjoyed, and 

falls to the ground, and yet

its nectar still lingers in the air

for the passerby to wonder, perhaps

to seek the path based on its scent

the clear yes and the clear no

how does one become clear to hear it?

all those background murmurings creating a fog

the smoke wafting into the room

the mirror reflecting it back as real, as me

It is not me, but it circles around me, saying

look at me! don't forget about me, it is I

who kept you alive

who kept you company

in those moments where you were confused

you won't be safe, should you choose not to look

not to listen

It's time. 

It's time to blow it all to pieces

It really doesn't have to be that dramatic

but we like it that way, don't we?

Ok, perhaps a satire

Let's play this game.

Spin the wheel and see what number shows up

The price is right, wrong direction though

Jump! when I say so

The secret: There is no right and wrong

There's always going to be some crazy shit and some beautiful shit

What do you choose to do with the crazy shit?

What do you choose to do with the beautiful shit?

Hopefully the same thing. Breathe into your belly, Queen. Sigh into the bowers.

Wonder at the sanctity of it all, for in the end it is all 

God

.

.

Play and laugh. When did I stop doing this all the time?

What are we doing anyway? we asked. 

Doesn't really matter does it :)

We were having fun

We made first friends, fast friends

Can it be that simple always?

What is introduced

in this life

is not just this garden of many flowers

but these delights that sparkle at us

some sparkles catch your eye a little more than the rest

And you settle your gaze there

and before you know it

you are resting your soul 

upon her laurels

The enchanting scent luring you into your lessons

your karmic twists and turns

making this life certainly color full

Then you are in it

And you forget

to play 

to laugh

when the path is a little rocky

You forget

the mountaintop is not the destination

with 1.5 kids, paired with only one

the color is God's play

the light shining on the lake

the shadows of the boulders providing reprieve from 

the cruel noon sun

light playing games with your eyes

shadows become light, and back again

What is real?

This in my heart

is real.

And it is

speaking.

Sharing

Something I wrote November of 2021 when I was still in Taiwan and I was just about to meet a new love in my life. And...I was about to find out a few months after that, that the cancer had spread in my lungs, requiring me to drain the left one and get cyberknife and start some new medicine. This was 9 months ago that I wrote this. And by the way I am getting stronger and better everyday, still dancing...

It has been awhile since I’ve shared how it’s going on this healing journey I’ve been on, dancing with cancer for the last 11 years. Goodness. Part of  me felt like I had to have it all figured out from step 1 through 10 before I could report back. (that strategist, perfection energy that lives within me). Part of me felt like you all would not be interested in it -- because people like to feel happy and inspired and do not like to hear about the darker shadowy things that come up with healing. Me too. I have cleverly looked at it and told myself that just a glance and a quick ID was enough. The officer in me said that was good enough and I can be on my way. I have found that it is this darkness that requires just as much attention and love as the love and the light that we all love to bathe in. So my update is that I have been wading through the darkness, saying hello, really looking. I have had help. I have had guidance. Super necessary for some of these things that have hidden themselves so cleverly in my psyche as ways of survival -- perhaps through generations. It has not been an immediate process. I have opened to taking responsibility for my thoughts, words, and actions. Seeing the grief. Seeing the anger --there is so much anger. Seeing the shame for feeling the grief and the anger. Feeling the fear that arises too. 

The main message I want to communicate today is that I don’t have it all figured out. I was taught from a young age through school and through work that I had to have a plan. Once you gather all the pertinent information, then you work up a plan and stick to it. What I’m finding is that I am not the one to make the plan. that logic is not necessarily going to bring you to a decision that is in alignment with your heart. What I am learning is that I am the one to await the plan to be revealed to me--and I only get one step at a time and my mind has to be quiet for me to hear it. This is my surrender. I am surrendering over and over again, every day. I surrender in my dreams. I surrender in this waking life. This surrender sometimes feels like just taking an actual full deep belly breath in a moment where I can identify that fear is taking over again. 

I am not sure you want to hear this. It’s uncomfortable right? But if you are reading this far, thank you.

So I am listening for my plan, for my path to light up before me. The message comes from your heart, from a higher spirit that is within us that is giving us gifts in the form of these challenges we face so that we can learn to truly listen and move in this world from that space. This is so different from how I am wired or programmed to operate -- from my mind, from what makes sense, from a space of fear. I am moving towards living life from my heart and I cannot tell you what that’s going to look like. It may not result in a clear CT scan of my lungs. I do not presume to know what healing cancer will look like. But I have caught glimpses in those sweet magical moments in life where I may know what it could FEEL like. Sun warming my body, a gentle wind in my hair, warmth in my heart for all beings on this beautiful earth. We are being put through the wringer, each person living through a different movie reel, so that we can come out the other side in a world full of magic, mystery, and love. Meet you in that golden field. Let’s go back again and again. 

The most beautiful part about this is that we have each other, we are not alone on this path. But we need to hear the hearts nudge --to ask for help. There are sisters and brothers and those non-human kin, and Spirit who are waiting for us. We need only ask. 

Meet you in that field. I look forward to giving you a big giant hug.